Monday, February 9, 2009

Way to go, dummy...

norman-psychedelic-20Many people know me as "the fellow who is banned for life from Fenway Park." I was known as the Fenway Freelancer and the Fenway Howler and the Fenway Pest for many years before the current ownership decided to ban me from the ballpark.

This is because I believe in sharing my opinions while sucking down warm beer and bad hot dogs. I don't eat nachos, ever, and I don't know what else to get from the rinky-dink fellows who sell things. I just get the beer and the hot dogs and, because of my slight frame and aversion to moderation, I generally get to the seventh inning without my shirt, without my socks, and with a lump on my head from being dragged from the ball field. Yes, I do tend to run onto the field of play when I think someone has done something stupid. I'm a helpful person. Tragically, few people like being helped.

There are warning signs posted at all entrances with my photo (including a mock up of me in a moustache, me in a wheelchair, and me in a wedding dress). Suffice it to say, I haven't been back to the old ballpark in recent years. I have purchased a home in surburban Maryland where my son Buster currently lives and we have attended a few games at Camden Yards. I am not banned there for this season, and that's something to be thankful for. It turns out, we will be leaving the Admiral Hassenpfeffer in Tampa, Florida for an extended period of refitting and repair. I will return to Maryland and perhaps resume my lobbying activities. Maybe I'll straighten out some business affairs and continue trying to procure an operating aircraft carrier for Father and his little plans. I do not know.

I do know this, though--if one is going to open their yap, one should wait before they have the rug yanked out from under them.

To wit:

A-Rod allegedly is one of the 104 players who tested positive six years ago.

So, you might understand why players were afraid to take any test that was "anonymous." The results were out of sight for five years, and suddenly the government can say, "All of these guys tested positive. Because we said so."

I know what you're saying: If you're clean, you have nothing to worry about. Well, call me lame for saying this, but what if somebody wants to drag down A-Rod? Sure, the odds are long that his sample could have been tampered with, but it's still possible. It makes you wonder why people continue to dig and dig. To watch people crumble?

Now for my kicker: Collusion is alive and well. Ask the veteran players who are fighting the stigma of being tied to the steroid era. They are losing jobs to young guys who have been around since real testing started. General managers can sign the young guys and not have to worry about them breaking down from possible steroids use. As a result, good players -- clean players -- are having a tough time finding a job.

Whoopsy-daisy! Should have waited, sir, for this:
Alex Rodriguez admitted Monday that he used performance-enhancing drugs from 2001-03, saying he did so because of the pressures of being baseball’s highest-paid player.

“When I arrived in Texas in 2001, I felt an enormous amount of pressure. I felt like I had all the weight of the world on top of me and I needed to perform, and perform at a high level every day,” the New York Yankees star said in an interview with ESPN that was broadcast Monday shortly after it was recorded.

Rodriguez, who for years has denied using steroids, was given a $252 million, 10-year contract by the Texas Rangers in December 2000.

Oh well. So much for America's pastime. I am quite thankful that our bailout money arrived when it did. Had I made one of my patented snap decisions and purchased a major league baseball team, such as the decrepit and always suck-tacular losing shitstorm called the Chicago Cubs or the usually winning and always affable Florida Marlins, I would be sitting here with bankruptcy and failure. My prediction?

Major League Baseball will be defunct in three years. Four years, tops.

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