Monday, August 24, 2009

Stop Digging When You Realize You're In That Hole, Plaxico


What are you going to do when Plaxico "Head Case" Burress throws something like this around:
Plaxico Burress said in a television interview he didn't realize he'd accidentally shot himself until he saw the blood dripping onto his sneaker.

In an excerpt of an ESPN interview broadcast Monday night, the former New York Giants receiver said the shooting happened about five minutes after he entered the Latin Quarter night club in Manhattan.

"I take two or three steps and like my pants are wet," Burress said in the interview. "I had some Chuck Taylor's (Converse sneakers) and I looked down and the top of my shoe is red."

Burress said he immediately turned to then teammate Antonio Pierce and asked the middle linebacker to take him to the hospital.

"And he was like 'Why?" Burress said. "I said I just think I shot myself, and he was like 'Noooo!"


As in, why does my night of fun have to end because you did something stupid? There's nothing like someone else's drama to bring an evening to a crashing halt. Being a famous athlete means you actually get the attention you want in clubs, and it's hard to believe that Burress was walking around with such an attitude. You want to smack your forehead when you read this.

Your team won the Super Bowl. You should be king of the city, walking around in a top hat, spats, and with a gold tipped cane with a glass eyeball on the handle--you know, something subdued and funloving--and you should be enjoying yourself.

Instead, you're walking around with a gun in your pants?

And, as this next bit shows, you don't even know how to carry a gun in your pants:

Burress pleaded guilty last week to a weapons charge stemming from the November incident and accepted a two-year prison term. He is to be sentenced Sept. 22.

He said his .40-caliber Glock fired after he missed a step walking up stairs. The gun began to slide down his pant leg, and Burress said he accidentally pulled the trigger through his pants when he tried to stop the gun from hitting the ground.

"My finger hit, like, right on the trigger," he said. "What are the odds on that happening?"

The odds of that happening, as anyone who knows guns will tell you, is 'every time you don't want it to happen, and thank God you were the only one shot.' As in, thank God Burress didn't do this around his wife and child. What a disgrace. Is two years enough punishment?

I'll tell you one thing--I'm no lawyer, but this stands out to me as being the thing that will take Burress down in a civil suit if someone pursues it:
Burress, who alleged security staff knew he was carrying a gun upon entering the club, said he was wearing black jeans, not sweat pants as previously reported.

Let that sink in--did he just make the broad accusation that the security personnel involved at that club--whose names were likely recorded by the police or were recorded by investigators after the event took place--were complicit in a serious felony weapons offense? Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but if Burress gets two years for having a gun inside of a club, shouldn't we be expecting charges to be filed against the security people who he alleges allowed the gun into the club?

Did Burress make the fatal mistake of continuing to dig deeper and deeper well after discovering that he was in a hole so deep that he had no chance of ever getting out? How would you like to be the security guard or guards who just got thrown under the Plaxico Burress Happy Fun Time Weapons Conviction Bus?

I gotta believe there's someone going, oh? Really? Club security knew you had a weapon, huh? Well, that changes everything.

Does Burress believe he can get himself out of prison now? Or is he just lying to be lying, bobbing and weaving to break the spell cast upon him by the sports media, you know, because Jeremy Schaap is such a badass reporter? How would any reasonable adult expect a Plaxico Burress interview to go, anyway? With a mature, straightforward recital of events and then an honest, man-like apology for doing something stupid? Of course not. It ends in having a card table full of plates and cups being thrown into the faces of people who want him to turn his life around.

Oh, and the kicker.
When asked why he didn't have a holster, Burress said simply:

"Bad judgment."

No, bad judgement is when you drive in a snowstorm and crash into a telephone pole. This was career-ending stupidity.

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