Sunday, July 4, 2010

How Are Things in Fatass Nation?



So what is the state of the nation?

Not good, I'm afraid.
If you look at that map, you just want to weep for the shambling bags of meat that used to populate a nation that was lean and hungry for success. We have a population that is bloated and ready to pop sideways out of a defective pair of Wal-Mart shorts. We have entire towns and villages full of howling upright carcasses that are ready for permanent boneyard residency. This was once a nation where strong men and women walked for days on end just to find a piece of land that wasn't screwed up so they could build a life for themselves.
What happened to the American dream? It's dying of neglect. It's a belly full of garbage. It's an over-salted hot mess. It's the end of an idea that I think still has a lot of life left in it.
Fortunately, there are people like me, and I will never let the American dream die. I'll help you get back on track.
All you have to do is walk.
I am an evangelist for walking, you see. I know eating right and exercise matter. I know Oprah has been telling you to eat cookies or bake potato chips in your $5,000 oven or whatever, but look at Oprah. She won't even climb stairs (no idea if that is true or not). I'm telling you--walk. Don't worry about the other stuff. Don't sweat the small stuff. You have shoes? Go walk.
If you don't have legs, or if you can't walk, them amble along any way you can. Use your walker, your wheelchair, your crutches or your hovercraft and just go places. See things. Breathe. Walk. Live your damned life, sir. 
What does it cost for me to tell you this? Nothing. I have no books to sell you. I have no "advice" guide for you. I'm Norman Rogers. You should go walk. Okay, our transaction is done. All I collect from you is the moment it took you to consider my advice. I don't want your money. Tell you what--you take your money and you buy walking shoes for you and yours. Take your money and spend it on you. That's what I'm selling--I'm selling you the idea that you should take care of yourself with your money. Don't give it to anyone who can't give you something useful (like a good pair of walking shoes). Don't send me your money because I don't want it and we have no way to accept it. 
That's right--you should take your money and keep it. There. How hard was that?
Walk like the dickens. Make that map at the top of the page shrink away. Build a log cabin somewhere. Cut the grass and dig a hole for no reason. Eat something you found or grew or fished out of the water. Live, dammit, live.

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